She has no idea how I can physically ache with fear and trepidation for her.
My heart sprints and races and grows faster than I can even keep up with it.
As a stay at home mama, I can control our environment all of the time. All of it. I’m the one who safely drives her around. I’m the one who baby proofs our house, knows where the chemicals live, and how high to keep the knives. I’m the one who holds her hand in the parking lot. I’m the one who walks with her to the park. I’m the one who makes sure she doesn’t choke while she eats her lunch. I’m the one who controls what music she hears, what shows she watches, and how she learns to speak.
But, sometimes. Sometimes. There are moments and events where that control is gone.
It is breath taking and shocking and hard to know how to grasp your heart back to yourself to protect it and keep anything scary or bad from happening to it.
I’m pretty sure you’ll roll your eyes at me and call me a “first time Mom” when you hear what I’m talking about. But, what happened today truly terrified me.
We were at MOPS at a local church(that is ginormous). It’s always hard for me to leave her, because she’s in a place I don’t know. She is with people I don’t know. In a room I’ve never been allowed to see because they don’t let parents back where the children are. I appreciate that, I do. But, it’s also scary because it’s an unknown.
Today, towards the end of our meeting the fire alarms started going off. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t scheduled. Was this real? Was this a drill? What was the protocol? No one had ever told the Mom’s these things. This isn’t my church. What am I supposed to do?
They told everyone to go outside. The kids and teachers started streaming past.
I saw the door to Abigail’s class open and all of the kiddos from her class go by.
She wasn’t with them.
I went into her room for the first time. It was empty.
I walked around the childrens area. It was empty.
I went outside and there were people everywhere. I asked some women if they had seen where they were taking our babies. People didn’t know. I felt like everyone was completely calm and rational and I was the only one with terror in my face and fear bubbling up and over.
I scanned the crowd and finally spotted her(high five for putting her in neon yellow pants today.)
A worker was holding her and she was screaming and crying.
My baby was scared and a stranger was holding her.
I raced to her and grabbed her and held her and comforted her(while thinking to myself…she just let me take a child from her…what if someone else had done that instead of me….?)
I couldn’t handle this today. I mean, I almost had a maniacal, crazy person meltdown there in the middle of a parking lot.
It ended up just being a drill(I guess?) and everyone went back inside like it was all cool. Which, it was. Nothing “bad” had actually happened.
But, I couldn’t put my girl back in the nursery. There was no way.
We went and got her bags and she sat with me the rest of the time. And I held her close. And I told her how much I loved her. And she snuggled into me. And I thanked God for not only giving her to me but for protecting her even in the times when I can’t be right there with her.
I realize this will happen more and more as she grows up. I will have to let her go. She will ride in cars with someone else. She will play at someone else’s house. She will travel, and play, and explore. Without me.
Today was a good reminder. Although she is my child, she was given to me. She belongs to God and I have to trust Him with her.