The Reality Of IVF

{I don’t typically put disclaimers at the top of my posts. But, as my readership is continuing to grow and more people are reading my content, I felt that I should add a brief disclaimer. This is MY story. This has been my experience and I share it to inform and educate others. It is also to help foster healing within myself by writing. If this wasn’t your experience? Super. If it was, I’m sorry and I hope you’ll feel comfortable enough to share your story in the comments. That being said, please respect my situation and the old adage, if you don’t have anything nice to say- don’t say anything at all}

Oh this post. THIS post. Sigh.

This is the one that has been brewing since June 28th, 2013. The reality of IVF.

You can check out my 4 part IVF series and all of the posts pertaining to my actual IVF cycle: HERE

Recently, a blog friend mentioned that she had been reading through my IVF posts. It was really making her rethink her previous stance on IVF and making her want to actively pursue it, when they previously had decided not to. Now, I’m absolutely NOT wanting to dissuade someone from choosing IVF. I do still stand by my previous posts. They are filled with information and truth about the IVF process and if they help to bring more babies into the world that wouldn’t have been here otherwise? Well, that thrills me to my very core.

But.

There always has to be one of those, doesn’t there?

All of those posts were written BEFORE I went through the actual IVF experience. Before I lived through the medicine. The unknowns. The fear. The hurt. The physical pain. The stress. The cost. The loss. All of it.

I have wanted for SO LONG to write about the “dark side” of IVF. I have wanted to share what it was *really* like for me{and Jim}. I have wanted to teach people and inform people and share with people what the side of IVF that doesn’t end with a take home baby looks like……

and it has taken me a very, very long time to be in a healthy{or at least, healed} enough place to be able to write it.

I have felt so conflicted.

I don’t know how to explain this.

To me? My IVF experience was the most horrific and awful experience of my life.

I hated everything about it.

It was not worth it to me.

But?

I have eight babies that now live in the arms of Jesus because of what I went through.

How can I sit here and say it was not worth it?

My small and insignificant brain can’t even begin to share the words, the emotions, and the pain of that internal conflict. I think about them and deal with them every day since and I have struggled with how to share any of this information with you.

But I have to. I have to be real and I have to be honest and you HAVE to know what it was like.

What I expected

I expected to spend a lot of money. More money than Jim and I had ever spent on anything together. But, another child was worth it to us. We crunched numbers, we looked at our savings, and we agreed to make it work. I expected to not want to do the shots, because who would? I expected to have to sacrifice a lot of time driving, going to appointments, planning my life around timed medication. I expected to *possibly* not get pregnant, but the odds of getting pregnant were the same percentage of my previously not getting pregnant through other methods, so I felt good about our odds{60-80% FYI}. I expected to bloat, to have symptoms from the meds, but ultimately, to be a “textbook” IVF case.

The Process:

I’ve written about the entire process before: HERE

Re-reading that now? I’m just shaking my head in disbelief. I can’t believe I lived that.

If you skimmed to the bottom, you’ll notice I took 142 pills and 39 injections during my ONE IVF cycle.

I’m sorry, but that is INSANE.

I bring this up also, to talk about something that completely blew my mind about the entire process. You take care of all of that medicine, by yourself.

Sure, your office gives you your “instructions”. But they aren’t there to mix it for you. That’s right! You have to mix it yourself like a genuine pharmacist. Your meds come by mail and there are needles and syringes and alcohol swabs and powder and liquid and pre mixed meds and meds to mix yourself and different sized vials and different sized needles. Some go into your muscle. Some go into your stomach. They have to be given at a specific time. They have to be mixed a specific way. They cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

Goodness, I sure hope you don’t use it wrong.

The Appointments:

I’ve pretty well documented or have listed all of my appointments, but it’s hard to grasp just how many there were. Especially once I got to the stim phase of my cycle, I had to have appointments every other day to keep a close eye on my follicles. I also had to have blood work every time to check my hormone levels. I ended up living at my in-laws for two weeks just for appointments. If I hadn’t, I would have been driving myself and Abigail 6 hours back and forth every other day or so.

I was so bruised. My elbows ached, my stomach and arms were bruised from needles.

Another fun fact. They had IVF days at my office. Appointments where they lumped everyone going through an IVF cycle together to make their schedules easier. I could hear through the doors. Follicle check after follicle check after follicle check. Filing us on through. Checking the boxes.

I was dealing with life and death, and I was treated like just a number.

Egg Retrieval:



 

When I finally arrived to egg retrieval day I was SO excited. The hard part was over. RIGHT? I thought my hardest job would be injecting myself over and over to grow the eggs. It turns out, that was actually my easiest job.

 

Another fun fact. Egg retrieval’s are also scheduled like an assembly line. I can’t remember the number now, but my Dr. had something like 7 other egg retrievals the same morning as mine? Talk about feeling special!

 

When I think back to that morning, I just shake my head. I can’t believe that was my life. That I had actual, full blown, anesthesia induced, egg retrieval. I was in a hospital bed. I had an IV{that was improperly inserted multiple times}. They wheeled me in all by myself. They put me to sleep. I woke up in a recovery room by myself. I had just had a surgery. Mind boggling.

 

My Dr. gave Jim the fertility report. 13 eggs retrieved. They were going to give them ICSI and then we would hear in the next day or so how they were all doing.

 

Fertility Reports:

 

I wish I could tell you what these meant to me. That quick little email. That one short phone call. These were MY BABIES. I frantically wanted them all to keep growing. There were already so few.

 

First report: 9 received ICSI, 8 fertilized normally.

 

A few days passed, while I was on complete bed rest{and then ultimately OHSS}.

 

Second report: ALL 8 still growing normally! That was on Father’s Day. It was one of the happiest phone calls I’ve ever received.

 

OHSS:

 

I had two of the risk factors for developing OHSS. I was young{24 at the time} and my estrogen was high. We went through a roller coaster of plans and emotions over finding out a few days before retrieval that I would develop OHSS.

 

It was a medical certainty.

 

Do you realize how terrifying that was for me? There was nothing I could do to stave it off. The numbers didn’t lie. The eggs were all grown at that point. They had to be taken out. There wasn’t anything that we could do to keep it from happening. I felt great, I felt normal, and I knew that in a few days I would be in horrible pain. That I was at risk of ending up hospitalized due to the OHSS. It was so scary.

 

Then, on top of that. I couldn’t go home. We had planned to go back after retrieval for a few days and then pop back up for our 5 day transfer. Instead, I had to spend another week and a half at my in-laws{God bless them}. I needed to be near my Dr. in case of an emergency. I was on more bed rest. I couldn’t take care of my little girl.

 

I vividly remember going to Panera Bread with my sister in law, right after she had driven me to my Dr.’s office to confirm that I did indeed have OHSS and they confirmed our 5 day transfer cancellation, just sobbing in the middle of the restaurant. I could hardly walk I was so swollen and in so much pain. I could hardly eat. I kept having to use the bathroom. I was so emotionally depleted and sad.

Transfer:

 Jim and I started pondering if we could go ahead and move forward with the original plan of a 5 day transfer. I emailed my office Sunday night{retrieval had been Wednesday} to let them know that I was feeling a little better{emphasis on little} and that if there was any way we could move forward with a transfer, we would be open to that. We didn’t have the money to proceed with a FET{frozen embryo transfer} for what looked like a very long time and that upset me so much. I wanted to take some of my babies home with me, RIGHT THEN.