May 16, 2016
It’s funny, because this time last year, I tried to sit down and write this post. A post just for Mabel that fleshed out all of my heart and emotions surrounding my pregnancy and her (at the time, upcoming) birth. I had edited pictures and thought through what I wanted to say…and then a certain little girl burst onto the scene two weeks early and that post was never finished. There it sat in my draft folder for an entire year until today, when I have finally had enough time and thoughts to put it together.
I still can remember and feel the disbelief at seeing that positive pregnancy test. I simply just could not believe it. After 3+ years of only ever seeing, one line. one line. one line. one line. When two popped up, it was simply surreal.
I’ll never forget the feeling when I talked to my nurse over the phone and my HCG levels had more than tripled in 48 hours. I remember the roaring in my ears that drowned out everything she was saying, because she had just confirmed that not only was there a baby actually growing- but that it was growing incredibly well.
My first ultrasound- lol. The one to “confirm placement”. It didn’t show me anything to calm my anxious and reserved heart, but it didn’t cause me worry either. Things looked as wonderful as they could at that time and the excitement kept building, could this really be happening?
And, I will never forget. Shortly after this ultrasound, perhaps that very day. I had been working so hard to guard my heart from being broken. So hard to keep from getting my hopes up. So hard from being too excited. But then- I was standing in our master bedroom folding an enormous pile of laundry and I had Pandora playing. And on came Ingrid Michaelson’s version of “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can’t help falling in love with you
And I cried. I wept over that laundry. Because I realized that I had completely and 100% absolutely fallen in love with my baby. And no amount of trying to protect my heart was going to stop that.
I can say with confidence, that it has been the fastest year of my life so far.
I know I cherished every single second that I possibly could and yet it still went by incredibly way, way, way too fast.
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